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Athletes,
We are Not |
The
AJGA staff can run golf tournaments...actually running is
the tricky part |
By
Dave Buer
Director of Creative Services
We’re a sorry lot, really, us AJGA staffers. We were all
painfully reminded of this recently during our AJGA Staff Playday.
You see, each spring the AJGA’s officers treat the rest
of the staff to a day of games and good barbeque as their way
of saying thanks to the staff for their hard work.
And, each spring, the barbeque always delivers. Jason Miller,
Stephen Hamblin and the rest of the officers really put together
a great spread of steaks, chicken, fish, beans and all the rest
of what goes into a great barbeque. The games, on the other
hand, leave a lot to be desired. The following is a brief (but
entirely true) account of the staff’s sorry attempt at
fun…
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| Greg
Smith, in his never-ending quest to get the ball above
the 7-and-a-half foot rim, has begun practicing in the
basement every morning before work. |
10:07
a.m.—The staff begin to make their way to the
basketball hoops, tennis courts, grassy areas and pool located
just outside the AJGA’s National Headquarters at Chateau
Elan Resort near Atlanta. There’s a noticeable buzz of
excitement in the air because we all still think we’re
in for a good time. The next few hours will show us just how
wrong we were.
10:42 a.m.—Things are really starting
to happen now. Several of the staff are showing off their vertical
leaps in an incredible slam-dunk contest. With the hoop set
at seven and a half feet, a few staffers, most notably 5’6”
Greg Smith, are able to hit the underside of the rim. Greg is
happy.
11:06 a.m.—Jason “Scoop”
Etzen organizes the annual Shoe Kick Contest on the grassy area
next to the tennis courts. The staff gathers around to ridicule
one another as each contestant attempts to launch his or her
shoe as far as possible by kicking it off their foot. Surprise
newcomer Richard “Muda” Mudafort’s incredible
leg speed produces one of the best shoe kicks of the day. But
even Muda’s attempt isn’t enough to best seasoned
veteran Derrick Farnham, whose research into the shoe kicking
techniques of Shamus the Shoe Kazlovich (the 1952 World Shoe
Kicking Champion who now resides quietly in Mowasagoochi, Wis.)
really paid off. It is worth noting here that Ryan Hybl, another
first-year contestant, produced the first-ever negative yardage
kick when his shoe actually went backwards, caught by Ryan five
yards behind the line. Ryan promptly retired from professional
shoe kicking.
11:34 a.m.—Several staffers try their
hand at tennis, some more successful than others. Operations
intern Katie Gibson manages to serve four blistering aces past
Dave Buer before he even realizes the game had started.
11:41 a.m.—A vicious game of dodgeball
breaks out on the tennis court. Andrew “The Underhander”
Greenfield picks off unsuspecting victims with his deceptively
effective underhanded winger. Peter Ripa plays each game with
his characteristic leave-it-all-on-the-court-and-make-at-least-one-person-bleed
tenacity. He successfully draws blood from several staffers.
Meanwhile, Matt Larson repeatedly produces fireballs that exceed
100 miles per hour, and at one moment actually temporarily indents
Matt Crouch’s face with a vicious blow to his right cheekbone.
After
only two games, most staff members can no longer feel their
throwing arms, but bravely play on for several more matches.
Ryan Hybl redeems himself by catching virtually every ball thrown
his way, while Walker Hill unsuccessfully employs the “I’ll
stay in the game longer if I stand on the back line” strategy.
Beth Reuter simply wonders why we can’t all get along
before she takes a wicked widow maker from Rob the Assassin
Jansen.
12:19 p.m.—Stephen Hamblin casually walks
over to the pool before unexpectedly doing a canon ball that
soaks several staff members. Stephen departs the pool as quickly
and quietly as he came, leaving the staff members wet and speechless.
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| Rookie
shoe-kicker Richard Mudafort, seen here assisting a live
scoring volunteer, came up just short in this year's shoe-kick
contest. |
12:28 p.m.—During a lull in the action,
Matt “Doc” Dougherty and a fellow unnamed staffer
decide to have their own egg toss, having missed the official
staff egg toss game in which Allison Akin shocked the staff
when she tied both hands behind her back and caught eggs with
her teeth. She said she learned it while in college at Alabama.
At any rate, Doc Dougherty ends up chasing after a 60-foot toss,
falls down a slope, and thinks he breaks his wrist. An X-ray
at the doctor’s the next day comes back “negative,”
which is doctor-speak for, “You really didn’t do
anything to your wrist, you doily maker.”
1:04 p.m.—With lunch now complete, Peter
Ripa initiates the staff Ultimate Frisbee marathon. The accounting
department’s Robin Boulter quickly becomes the game’s
leading scorer while at the same time delivering her usual MasterCard
statements to the staff. Jessica Van Orden intimidates even
her own teammates with her sharp New York banter that compliments
her deadly New York style of play. Bob Miller literally, now
this is absolutely true, begins to dry heave on the sidelines
near the end of the Ultimate Frisbee marathon. He can’t
be blamed really, being one of the older members of the staff,
when even guys 12 years his junior are beginning to slow up
a bit.
3:39 p.m.—With everyone’s bodies
beginning to shut down due to severe dehydration and excessive
physical activity after months of physical non-activity, it
is the perfect time to start the staff “three-ball”
tournament at Chateau’s par-3 course. On the 124-yard
hole No. 7, Ben Kimball uses a sand wedge and launches his tee
shot over the fence bordering the back of the course which is
150 yards behind the No. 7 green. He’s just lost a little
touch over the winter, that’s all. Rob Coleman’s
team eventually wins, but he ever-so-graciously refuses to take
any sort of prize for his team’s victory, never once mentioning
it in staff meetings or in several e-mails to the staff or on
a large poster in the kitchen.
5:42 p.m.—With the day’s activities
finally drawn to a close, the staff make their way home. Some
soak in a hot bath. Others take several doses of prescription
pain killers. Still others receive I.V. transfusions at the
local hospital. But collectively, each staff member realizes
how truly sorry we are. Sorry about the third-degree sunburns.
Sorry about the blisters, the headaches, the bruised egos. Yes,
we are, in every sense, a very sorry lot indeed. Who’s
ready for some dodgeball? |
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